somehow, everything’s gonna fall, right into place.

So I know I said I’d only write a blog once every 2 to 3 days, but I’m stuck at home again today and bored out of my school (school? skull. you can tell I’m bored by wanting to go back to school.) Well anyway, nothing new on the illness front, woke up 3 hours later than I would need to for school so I guess I was allowed the day off. Wandered up the living room, to see a sight of beauty. A 2 litre bottle of Lucozade, Strepsils, Halls, a man size box of tissues, and the fourth seriesof Monty Python. So obviously I sent the illness fairy (my mum) a text to thank her, and you know what she said? “Is your nan still being grumpy? (:”. It turns out the man at the cottage laying the flooring, came in a half past 4 in the morning, to check on the concrete and woke her up. Can’t you just imagine it? “Hello Mr Concrete did you set well? I left your night light on and the door open so you can see the stars” in a slight Mr Bean voice.

Anyways, just gone off the subject again there. Well I spent the morning watching Monty Python and Shrek 2 (but it was scratched so I didn’t see the end ):) and sending sympathy texts. Apart from that nothing major happened, got the Joe Browns catalogue in the post, seen a few things I like but can’t afford, damn me buying a new phone a month before my birthday. Just read a news article saying some children believe crisps are made of plastic and that bacon comes from rabbits, what next? I’ve been on Omegle as well, nice site to talk to randomers on as long as you don’t get the trolls or “ASL?” people. My connection cut out after talking to a guy from Australia about how all men think women are there to look nice and make them sandwiches.

Now I’m sat here being annoyed because I typed this up once in similar wording, didn’t save it and now I’m kicking myself, so I wrote it all out again. I’m hoping tomorrow I can go back to school, and on Saturday it’s my sister’s birthday, meaning they’ll be here hoarding my food and PC so I’m escaping to my boyfriend’s house for a lazy day, which means popcorn, Relentless, District 9 and Skittles.

i would stop time to stay with you, i would stop time so we don’t move.

well came back to this blog simply because i cannot be bothered to create a new account etc. and it’s funny seeing how whiny i was like, 2 years ago ish.

and i’m too ill to think of something funny to say so i’ll just copy and paste what was going to be my introduction speech thing for a new blog. Well I’m sat at home on my own and I’m bored, so I thought I may as well try to make another blog that will inevitably fail.

First day of the month’s a pretty good time to start blogging eh? Well, actually I could’ve started January 1^st and then my OCD wouldn’t play up as much, but I had a life and therefore didn’t blog at the start of 2010. I’m at home because, even after my cancer jabs, tetanus, pneumonia, and hypothermia jabs, they’ve yet to work out how to cure a cold. And the thing is with my colds, I don’t just get the sniffles. I get dizzy, fevers, hell of a headache, sore throat, aching chest, and the list goes on. So I’m sat here on my dad’s chair in the living room, with my phone, duvet, a glass of orange squash and my sister’s netbook, simply because I cannot be bothered to go all the way down my bedroom to sit on an uncomfortable chair when I can just lie here.

Here’s a bit of an interesting fact for you: I don’t actually know where I’m gonna host my blog, I mean I’m currently typing this in Open Office Word Processor (psh, silly Ubuntu). Maybe it would be helpful if I actually said something about who I was? Yeah, good idea brain. Well, I’m Lydia, I’m 14, 15 on March 13^th, I have a younger sister who I don’t actually hate, I know it’s a revolution. I took Art, Music, IT and German for GCSE, I regret taking German though due to the abysmal teacher, and I think I’m gonna fail composition in Music. I have blonde hair, brown eyes and I wear glasses, and whenever I type that I have the weirdest urge to start typing in German. What else have I missed out? I read a lot, go on the computer/xbox a lot, play guitar, drums, bass and piano, not good at any of them though, I have no social life apart from seeing my boyfriend once a week? That’ll do.

To be honest my mum was the reason I started blogging, yes I am that sad. She started writing down everything that happens each day but she gets angry if I call it a diary, besides it’s more like 3 or 4 sentences per day. As you can tell, my blog will obviously be a lot more than that, due to the fact I go completely off the point of whatever I was talking about and onto something else before coming back to my original point. That would explain why I’m slightly obsessed with Russell Howard, he seems to do that a lot. Anyway, this blog will be full of my ramblings and I’ll probably only update it once every 2 to 3 days, otherwise my dad will think I’m plotting against him by the amount I write in these things.Well today is mad, I got up once everyone had gone to work/school/prison, wanted to watch The Dark Knight, but no my DVD is missing and then I find out every single DVD case in our house is empty. So down the back of the sofa I go, and I find Monty Python. Then I realise we’ve lost the remote for the DVD player and sit here dejectedly watching programs about Fat Beauty Contests and cow mutilation whilst complaining in a text.

There’s builders all over the place here, we own the cottage next door to ours now, my aunt died and left it to my mum, so my dad’s decided to gut it and make it a holiday cottage thing. Why that needs my dad’s 3 brother (I should just be glad he hasn’t brought his 9 brothers and sisters along) a plumber, 2 electricians, a man called Derek with his two apprentices, a JCB and a Manitou is completely beyond me. I should feel sorry for my nan though, her cottage is attached to the one- my god I just spelt attached wrong, I swear I must’ve been spelling it wrong all my life then, or this stupid spellchecker’s American. Well anyway, her cottage is attached to the one they’re trying to kill/demolish/whatever, so she spends her time offering them tea and biscuits and making us flan, scones and a cake for no apparent reason.

Oh yeah, I managed to miss out one of the most important things about me, well apart from I can draw a computer keyboard from memory and me and my boyfriend somehow slip into talking like Pokemon/ about them/ whatever this would be classed as: “Lydia used bearhug! It’s super effective!” whilst tackling him. I’m a Coeliac, which means I have Coeliac Disease which means this stupid computer thinks that isn’t a word. Actually, it means we’re basically allergic to wheat, barley, rye and oats, and subsequently any food with those in. That means no doughnuts, no pasta, no bread, no cake, well apart from the “equivalent” made from corn flour. Because when I was younger they didn’t know I was a Coeliac, I was extremely prone to colds, fevers, infections and the like, which then knocked me down further, gave me anaemia, and now I have an abysmal- oh god I’ve had a brain fart what was it called? Self defence system? Ohh yeah, I have a weak immune system. Yay for illness.

I think I’ll shut up now and go watch Scrubs, or Cloverfield, or be a normal boring me and go on The Sims 2. And now I’ve remembered something else I was gonna say dammit. For work experience I’m going to an architect’s and a library, because when I was little I would draw house plans then I got The Sims 2 and I could actually build the house plans and now it’s kinda the only idea I have about what to do after school, apart from photography or a graphic design course.

Now I’m actually signing off before any more of my random thought processes invade what was supposed to be a short and snappy “Hi I’m new here!” blog so people would actually read it.

so she said “what’s the problem baby?”, what’s the problem i don’t know well, maybe i’m in love.

haven’t posted on here for a while, i still keep forgetting i even have a blog.

last week of school, it’s been pretty eventful. one of my friends got into the girls tennis tournament finals, only to lose to someone two years younger than her, she still played well though. it bucketed down on monday and tuesday, so we were hoping that sport’s day would be cancelled. hell, it even rained this morning, but our teachers are so used to the welsh weather they decided to go ahead with sports day anyway. i did 200m, triple jump and long jump, and i came last in 200m (obviously, have you ever heard of me trying to get exercise?) but surprisingly came 3rd and 2nd respectively in triple jump and long jump, surprising seeing as we’ve never been taught how to actually do triple jump. i was supposed to do the 1500m as well, but thankfully long jump started just before it so i wormed my way out of that.

i spent the rest of the day having water thrown at me, listening to music and burning. it really is boring in school now we have pretty much nothing to do, but at least tomorrow’s the last day and then i should get my report.

on tuesday, i was nominated out of the top 5 people taking gcse german in our year to make a small magazine, which made me feel quite proud even though all i made for the magazine was the cover, a comic, a page on healthy eating, and a range of clothing. i’m just glad i got out of another 5 hours of watching pointless films instead of doing work in school.

also, this weekend is a local festival, and at first i wanted to go, then realised how wet it’ll be and that i know none of the bands. then, he decided to go even though if he went it meant i wouldn’t see him then for another 3 weeks, so then he decided not to go but work there the week before for money to play world of warcraft. then, my dad got me a pair of tickets and decided i could go with my mum for a bit in the day and have a look at the art and craft stalls and i wasn’t allowed to stay there for the weekend in a tent. then, he decided to go on the friday and come back on the saturday to see me, so i argued because i didn’t want him wasting his money just to be able to see me. then, he just said he didn’t want to go at all any more and he just wanted to see me, so i hope that’s sorted.

he put a really cheesy song on his bebo page about me as well, but i liked it because i’m usually the one being all typical-person-in-love and sending texts to him and writing about him and stuff.

so yeah, all is finally good. ish.

so break me down if it makes you feel right, and hate me now if it keeps you alright.

haven’t posted on here in a while again, i keep forgetting i even have a blog.

it’s been an uneventful few days anyway, went to his on saturday, did nothing on sunday, and today everything seemed okay, just a couple of cramps i had that i thought would go away. how wrong i was, they culminated in me throwing up all over my desk whilst watching saving private ryan, almost collapsing, and then being taken home early. i still don’t trust myself to eat anything though, not whilst i’m coughing up blood anyways.

i doubt anyone even reads this, but i suppose it’s better to write down all the mess in my head somewhere so i can look back and laugh at how stupid i was.

tomorrow i’m not going to school, and i miss art and music, just my luck. we have an “industry day” on wednesday, but i have a orthodontist appointment on the same day so i would miss half of it anyway. we’re having the raf, army, wildlife trust, and protocol systems who i’m not quite sure who they are, come in to do workshops with us apparantly. then thursday, we have “eco day”, where we’re making pencil holders out of plaster of paris and crisp packets, and then walking round the wood near our school.

so yeah, i’ve heard several people saying to me “eurgh you threw up everywhere you’ve infected us all now thanks you’re so disgusting”, but they should shut up soon. so should the death threats from his “friends”, actually.

dead visions in your name, dead fingers in my veins.

my sim died. ):
i don’t really know why i’m posting this, but i’ve been pretty obsessed with the sims 2 recently, and she was the first sim to die on my new pc. she left 6 grandchildren, and i don’t know why you care, but i thought i’d look at how quickpress and inserting a picture would work for once.
i’m hungry, and for your pointless fact of the day, did you know i’ve never tried noodles, pizza, or doughnuts? yeah, i’m pretty bitter about this allergic-to-wheat thing.

if i could, i only wanna make you smile, if you wanna stay with me a while.

told you i’d probably forget about wordpress and leave for a month or however long it’s been.

loads of stuff has happened since i last blogged, which was what, february? but i’ve decided i may as well start to blog again, it gives me something to do. so anyway, i’ve chosen my gcse’s, german, it, music, and art. i’m pretty happy, but i really wanted to do woodwork instead of it, but i like it so all’s good. i’ve taken up drum lessons as well, only had 2 so far, but i can play 4 basic rhythms and 3 fills, so that’s going fairly well.

blimey, looking back at my old blog posts, i didn’t realise how much i moaned about everything. well now i’m not alone in class anymore, i’ve made friends with about 10 guys in my year who all like gaming and the music i like. oh yeah, speaking of gaming, i got an xbox 360, and currently i have halo, call of duty 4, skate, viva pinata, and i’m borrowing mass effect.

i’m still with him, it’s been half a year now and i couldn’t be happier. i’m still paranoid that it’s gonna get so much harder, seeing as he’s finished his exams and now left school. he‘s learning to drive in october though, so i should get to see him quite a lot.

i went to see war of the worlds live about two weeks ago, it was really good. it’s a shame richard burton’s dead, but they had a cgi of his face projected up for the narration. i’m also going to see james morrison and onerepublic live in november, since me and my mum have found out how much we like both his albums.

recently, people have taken to betting on how long it is before he dumps me, but i’ve decided to ignore it because they’re just being immature.  since pretty much 90% of my friends are now male, i’ve been helping them with their ‘girl troubles’, although it’s slightly odd because i hang around with his brother and when i go over to their house i pretty much feel like part of the family now.

i had several bad episodes of hayfever, i couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe etc. so now i’ve been put on some insane medication that leaves me feeling half asleep. a tablet in the morning, nose spray, eye drops four times a day, a tablet at night, and i have to wash my eyes out with some sort of solution. all for some pollen. damn you nature.

something isn’t right, i can feel it again, feel it again.

i hate breakups.

no, i haven’t broken up with him, but my best friend is right on the edge of breaking up with her boyfriend and of course, i’ve been dragged in to help.

basically, she doesn’t think she loves him anymore, and he told her that she’s all he’s got, so she can’t leave him now because he’ll try to cling on. i suggested she should be honest with him, tell him she was flirting a bit with other guys because she feels like she can’t do serious relationships. all that caused was more fighting, then he asked her what does she like about him, and she made me write the list about him, not her, so i feel cheap for basically being my friend’s brain.

anyway, i got my braces tightened yesterday, i swear she’s getting worse at tightening them. she snapped four of the bands, and she hasn’t cut the extra metal on my back teeth so it sticks into my gums and makes them bleed. on the bright side, i bought a book, two posters, a vans backpack for school, and some earrings.

our kitchen’s currently being ripped out, so we’re living off microwave meals and food from the fish and chips, and i have to mash everything up anyway so i can eat it without causing myself more pain from my braces.

10 hours on legend of zelda, and i’m stuck. i’ve tried everything i can think of and it’s probably painfully obvious when i do work it out, but for now i’m stumped.

i’m going on the train with him, his two little brothers and his mum shopping and to watch a film on friday, i’m still not sure about the details though. his little brother’s getting a wii for his birthday tomorrow as well, so i may take a game or two over and beat him at guitar hero 3.

my mum tried to give me some foundation to cover up a lovebite yesterday, but i’m too pale for even the palest foundation in the body shop so i just have to keep my hair there to hide it.

this is gonna sound weird, but i like the thought of the many posters i have in my room, it’s like a comfort to know even if all my family are asleep, there’s 23 people around my room. my sister finds it odd though, since i have a slipknot poster above my bed and she finds them a little odd.

braces are still hurting, i think my diet will mainly consist of yoghurt over the next few days. oh, and painkillers.

and when it rains, on this side of town it touches, everything, just say it again and mean it.

i’m not quite sure what my last post was, just a short story i’d thought of and i had nothing better to do so i thought i’d upload it here.

this whole blog has had 4 views since i made it, and i’m not sure whether that’s an achievement or not considering the amount of people here on wordpress.

i’ve racked up around 9 hours on legend of zelda so far, not bad for me.

i went over to his house yesterday, he’d gotten me a teddy and a card, so i felt kind of bad for only putting some songs together on a cd for him. we watched two of the american pies, but i didn’t really pay attention that much. his mum seems like a really nice person, she’s invited me to go with him, her and his two youngest brothers to go see a film on friday, so i have something to look forward to.

i’m getting my braces tightened tomorrow, so i’ll probably go shopping for a bit and buy that new jacket or some books i wanted.

our kitchen’s getting ripped out tomorrow as well, we’re gonna have one of those kitchens that looks like it’s straight from the ikea catalogue. i’m not sure how i feel about it though.

thoughts of a dying atheist.

Wake up, it’s another day.
Another day that’s still the same, the same as the past few years. I wake up on the grotty floor in my flat, with the stench of the rubbish making me sick. Why did I get this life? Why was it me who dropped out of college, spent the last 6 months working in the fast food industry so I can stay alive, whilst my brother got all the money, all the girls, his life is perfect. I’ve always been the one who had to work hard to get good grades, then when I did, they didn’t care. He was always their pride and joy, staying out of trouble, top of the class in everything, good looking. What happened to me? Lanky, pale, ill, bottom of the class. I was the underdog. I am the underdog. I guess some things never change.

Even as a kid, I can remember being ill. Constantly ill, a fever or an infection. I think they gave up on me being hassle-free after a while. He was never ill. Shining complexion, always running around outside playing football or exploring. I envied him, wishing my matchstick legs would let me play football, explore without my muscles being given an extreme workout. The asthma didn’t help. I could barely run ten metres before I was wheezing away, needing my inhaler.

I’m dyslexic. The words always muddled themselves up on the page, numbers didn’t make much sense either. I used to spend hours trying to copy his neat cursive, my untidy scrawl barely legible and wavering up and down the page. They didn’t seem to realise it was hard for me, they just thought I was acting up so I could finally get some attention. They didn’t understand. They never understood. Even when I did fail a test because I’d been bunking off school they put it down to me being ‘thick’, they never even checked to see if I was dyslexic until one of the teachers noticed and thought they better do something so the teacher’s didn’t notice that the didn’t care.

I remember when going to school used to be the best part of my day, get away from the home I was growing to hate. Even though I got bullied at school, the bullying showed me I was a person, people took notice of me, even if it was for all the wrong reasons. When I came home with my glasses snapped, I’d have to tape them back up and wear them like that until the once yearly chance I got to get a new pair, because they were free. Of course, I got beaten up more for the tape, and when my books were chucked in the puddles, it smudged the ink in my books so my scruffy handwriting looked even worse.

The clothes, they were the worst. I would wear his hand me downs, too big for me and all torn. I got called stupid names, they were boys clothes, and with my short haircut it only proved to me more that I was on this planet to be bullied. I remember wearing his jeans, always  wearing a piece of his clothing. I can’t remember ever having my dad buy me a nice new dress or anything, I would get what he didn’t want anymore, or what didn’t fit him anymore.

When I left school, I left with below average grades. The highest I got was a C, which meant I didn’t have much choice for what I was going to do with my life. There was one college that offered to take me on, as long as I worked as hard as I could. I was slightly more happy there, I got out of the house for longer, and they noticed I was dyslexic so I had longer time for assignments and essays, they let me use computers instead of labour over writing things out. I wasn’t bullied as much, people had grown up by then, I was just isolated from most people, from not having much social interaction as a kid I didn’t know how to keep conversations going, that was one of the skills I never had. I stutter when I talk as well, I’m not used to standing up in front of people and actually have them listen to me for once.

I guess all of that contributes to where I am now. A council flat, 13 storeys up. Drug addicts to my left and alcoholics to my right. I try to ignore the arguments with the couple that live upstairs, and when I hear the poor woman crying. At least with me looking like this, I haven’t attracted a boyfriend, another person who would eventually abandon me, or use me to have a home and abuse me. All the places I’ve worked have fired me for coming into work
looking dishevelled and not being able to do any job particularly well. I’ve been rejected from even the lowest form of employment, what choice do I have now? Do I spend what’s left of the money I have on drugs, live what’s left of my life snorting and injecting and becoming addicted? Or do I carry on as I am, keeping jobs for no longer than two weeks, eventually ending up on the streets and dying from pneumonia? It doesn’t matter anymore anyway, there’s no one here for me, my dad doesn’t even know where I live. Sometimes I wonder if I should even end it all now, with that butcher’s knife that’s lying temptingly on the side.

when i hear your voice, it’s drowning in the whispers, you’re just skin and bones.

i seem to have neglected this blog yet again, i expect i’m gonna keep doing this but i may as well post, even if i have no schedule of when i post.

i got legend of zelda: twilight princess yesterday, i’ve already clocked 3 and a half hours. it gives me something to do when i’m not on msn, and since he has loads of coursework he was meant to do in the past 6 months i don’t have many people to talk to.

i had an english speaking assessment yesterday as well, we had to write our own soliloquy’s like from macbeth, and mine was about arson. i think it went fairly well, i didn’t have to look at my notes as much as i thought i would, and my stutter didn’t affect me as much as it usually does when i’m put in the spotlight.

i’m going over to his house for valentine’s day, only for a couple of hours though. my parents seem to think i should only be able to see him for no more than 4 hours, which i know sounds like a fair bit, but the time seems to go too fast. one of our friend’s goes over to her boyfriend’s house for the whole day pretty much.

i have absolutely nothing to do in the half term break, apart from orthodontist’s, oh the joy of more metal in my mouth. i might go see a film with him and his little brothers, might go shopping as well. i would go into town more, but my parents like to think i should be at home when it’s dark, and that an hour in town is perfectly fine to see all my friends. this is starting to turn into a rant about my parents, so i think i’ll shut up for now.

note; go listen to jason mraz. now. he’s amazing. end of.